I just put out a fire in my apartment

I'm not kidding. Some grease from bacon caught fire on the stove, and I'm not talking about a small fire, either. The whole freaking pan went up. Fire alarms, smoke.

So anyway, I am in my bathrobe, choking and gagging, throwing anything I can on top of this fire because it is so damn hot and I know that you can't throw water on a grease fire, when the thing suddenly goes out.

Just like that. So I open all the windows and try to get all the smoke out of the apartment, which smells like burned bacon grease at this point and all I can think of is, "I wonder if I have to tell my wife about this?" In the meantime, I am coughing and gagging because of the smoke, but I can't go outside because it is raining and I am in my bathrobe and I am trying to work out a trade in fantasy baseball.

Sometimes I think I am retarded.