I just put out a fire in my apartment

I'm not kidding. Some grease from bacon caught fire on the stove, and I'm not talking about a small fire, either. The whole freaking pan went up. Fire alarms, smoke.

So anyway, I am in my bathrobe, choking and gagging, throwing anything I can on top of this fire because it is so damn hot and I know that you can't throw water on a grease fire, when the thing suddenly goes out.

Just like that. So I open all the windows and try to get all the smoke out of the apartment, which smells like burned bacon grease at this point and all I can think of is, "I wonder if I have to tell my wife about this?" In the meantime, I am coughing and gagging because of the smoke, but I can't go outside because it is raining and I am in my bathrobe and I am trying to work out a trade in fantasy baseball.

Sometimes I think I am retarded.

So today I had my fantasy draft. I love fantasy baseball. I hope one day to manage my own team.

My friends who also play fantasy sports are not as cool as I am. Do you want to know why? Because they have players that they "won't trade."

What is that crap? Suddenly this is a league where you have NO PLAYER you would take for Miguel Tejada? What the heck?

I hate that. Like how are you going to get anything done with that attitude? Huh?

That is like two countries sitting down to negotiate, and one of them starts off by saying, "Oh, by the way, if you are thinking about us removing our nuclear missles from your colon, then you are out of luck because we are here to talk about the location of our archers in my castle." Or something like that.