I just put out a fire in my apartment

I'm not kidding. Some grease from bacon caught fire on the stove, and I'm not talking about a small fire, either. The whole freaking pan went up. Fire alarms, smoke.

So anyway, I am in my bathrobe, choking and gagging, throwing anything I can on top of this fire because it is so damn hot and I know that you can't throw water on a grease fire, when the thing suddenly goes out.

Just like that. So I open all the windows and try to get all the smoke out of the apartment, which smells like burned bacon grease at this point and all I can think of is, "I wonder if I have to tell my wife about this?" In the meantime, I am coughing and gagging because of the smoke, but I can't go outside because it is raining and I am in my bathrobe and I am trying to work out a trade in fantasy baseball.

Sometimes I think I am retarded.

So today I had my fantasy draft. I love fantasy baseball. I hope one day to manage my own team.

My friends who also play fantasy sports are not as cool as I am. Do you want to know why? Because they have players that they "won't trade."

What is that crap? Suddenly this is a league where you have NO PLAYER you would take for Miguel Tejada? What the heck?

I hate that. Like how are you going to get anything done with that attitude? Huh?

That is like two countries sitting down to negotiate, and one of them starts off by saying, "Oh, by the way, if you are thinking about us removing our nuclear missles from your colon, then you are out of luck because we are here to talk about the location of our archers in my castle." Or something like that.

The Pope is Dying

So it seems that the Pope is in his last days. Which of course, the media has been reporting for the last 25 years since he was shot.

The misunderstanding regarding the Pope is phenomenal. I especially love the dingbats that feel they can presume the Pope should retire.

FROM DOING WHAT?

As far as I can tell, only twice in the last 2000 years has the Pope needed to speak from the Chair of Peter, so what is the problem? "Hurry, JP II, get to the window so that you can tell everyone to feel better about themselves!"

Or perhaps we just can't tolerate someone that is suffering? Perhaps we want our infirmed like Terri Shiavo. Isolated and contained so that lawyers and murdering husbands can tell us that they "died peacefully and with dignity." If you ask me, this Pope is dying with dignity. Brotha' is going out fighting so step down.

Quick! Hide the disabled old person! I don't want to feel guilty about the fact that I don't have the time to visit my relatives in a nursing home or my children at the day care on my way to shovel McDonald's down my throat! Please! Don't remind me that I have an obligation to my fellow man! PLEASE LET THEM DIE!

Then there are the jack-a-lopes that think their perspective on life is the only way to go. "I would never want to be kept alive like that!" Oh yeah? Well maybe someone is looking at your crap of a life and they are thinking, "If I ever end up like that lardo wanna-be intellectual, then for God's sake put a bullet in the chamber and make it quick!" Like, who the heck are you to say that someone else doesn't have a life worth living?

Terri Shiavo died. Michael Shiavo let her starve to death. She starved, dehydrated, and wasted away. Some dignity.

The Pope is dying. Forcing everyone in this fast-food society to watch human suffering and learn the redemptive value of every single human life. That is dignity. That is the dignity that Terri deserved.